Mar 1, 2017

After a very long hiatus, I'm bringing back this blog! Might as well since I'm paying for a domain I don't use. Also, I'm currently unemployed which means I have a lot of time to dick around the world wide web!

(Dick around is probably a phrase I shouldn't use as I am a 27 year old "woman" but whatever.)

Do people still blog? Probably not. Content consumption on social media has changed drastically since our Livejournal, Multiply, Tumblr days. People don't read blog posts as much anymore and short-form video is the best way to get your message across.

Everything has to be fast - condensed in a 2 minute video which can either make or break your brand. No one can be bothered to read about your long press release in someone else's website.  I blame our attention span which is getting worse with each new social media platform. I mean, the digital world is so fast-paced, I had to ask my nephew what a freaking Boomerang is (it's that repetitive video thing on Instagram, not to be confused with Instagram stories. IKR?).

Much like dating, people can't be bothered with long introductions. People want something quick, something fast - a snapchat (see what I did there?) of you and who you are. This should be apparent in your Tinder bio or wherever you find men nowadays.

Quick, think of a witty one-liner that perfectly encapsulates you and plaster that across all your accounts. Post a perfect flat-lay of your perfect life on Instagram to show everyone how cool and collected you are. Snap a story on the art fair you just visited even if you have no idea what's in there - just to show your crush that you "dig" art. Oh and don't even get me started on Ghosting which is the modern day equivalent of getting dumped except people are more chicken now, they'd rather not talk to you at all.

How is that romantic? It's not. Modern dating is not romantic. It is gross.

It wasn't always like this. Dating in the digital space wasn't so bad during the time of Friendster and Yahoo messenger, when being online was still a choice. I still remember the golden days of YM! when everyone you know would be online at the same time: the hours after school and right before bedtime. We'd be sharing memes when it wasn't even called a meme yet, or playing with the newest messenger themes. Cool usernames were everything (ayabrea_019 represent) and the lyrics of your favorite My Chemical Romance song would always be your status.

That irreplaceable feeling when you hear that swoosh notifying you that your crush is finally online (even if your ISP Bonanza load is halfway done and you wish he was online sooner). He then sends you a message, asking about your day, and you start talking until the wee hours of the morning, obviously getting bad stares from your siblings for hogging the only desktop in the house. Finally you say goodnight, there is school the next day anyway. He then changes his status to another line from the same My Chemical Romance song and right at that moment, the world is amazing.

I know this isn't dating per se, but damn was the internet cute.

I will always have my qualms about dating in this day and age. Too many rules of what you should and shouldn't do. Don't reply too soon, he'll think you're too desperate. Don't have political views, he'll think you're too aggressive.

Oh my god. Whatever.

Which now begs the question: how do you do modern dating? You don't. Whatever it is that you do in this god-forsaken age of social media dating, just remember, you do you!

This Modern Love: A Yahoo Messenger Love Story
3:59 PM

This Modern Love: A Yahoo Messenger Love Story

Jul 6, 2016

As a kid, I always liked talking in front of the camera. I would play with my uncle's video cam and record myself interviewing the animals around the house, my baby cousins chilling in their cribs, and my stuffed toys. We would talk about (well, it's mostly me throwing my voice to fake a dialogue) what then were the pressing matters of the nineties which I remember was mostly the destruction of the ozone layer (thanks Captain Planet!).

During that time, I also drew NO SMOKING posters and plastered it around the house for my grandfather and mother to see. I would creatively enumerate the ways you can die from smoking, in my hopes of convincing both of them to quit, especially my grandpa (whom I fondly called "lolo daddy") because I feared losing him. Lolo daddy eventually died a few years later of an asthma attack, a death that I didn't take very well. Me eventually picking up the habit seemed pretty ironic.

My mom feared for my "rebellious" side, telling me that studying in UP did not do me any good. "Huwag ka mag-aktibista anak, please. Baka mapano ka" she'd say, reminding me of what happened to the activists during Martial Law. This of course just added fuel to the fire so I ended up joining Sinagbayan as an actress for a musical play, fighting against the tuition increase in our university.

Before graduating, I knew what I wanted to do: I wanted to become a journalist. I wasn't that good at grammar or with words, but I do know that I'm quite good at talking to people. I love listening to other people's stories --- and I know this sounds really corny --- but I loved how I could connect with them in a very spiritual way through their life experiences. I wanted to be the medium for other people's causes to be heard and somehow help the world become better with each story. Looking back, I was one idealistic, young person.

I don't know what happened but, somewhere along the time of being a working student and graduating, I shifted priorities. I forgot about how I wanted to "change the world". I faced adulthood and became a proper tax-paying human. The vengeful spirit in me took a backseat for a peace-loving millennial to be in the forefront.

Over the last few months and with the alarming rate of terrible news all over the world, I can't help but go back to the kind of person I was in college. The idealist in me wants to do something, but again, who has the time with bills to pay here and there. Pursuing a passion project takes a lot. I have so many excuses, I could go on and on.

I then succumbed to airing out my grievances on social media like most people my age who are very unhappy with what's happening in the Philippines, and the brutalities happening all over the world. I mean, the world is kinda going crazy, might as well tweet the revolution, right?

Most days, you'll find me tweeting Sandro Marcos and his privileged ass (excuse the language, can't help it) on Twitter because that's the only outlet I have right now for my aktibista woes (as my mother likes to put it). I would like to think that there is a next step to all this bottled up energy in me to do something. Until then, Sandro Marcos will have to do.

The Revolution Will Be Tweeted
6:00 PM

The Revolution Will Be Tweeted

Jun 19, 2016

I have had trouble sleeping at night for as long as I could remember. I tried to beat insomnia by building a habit of drinking milk before sleeping but it never worked.

Staying up late was good for playing video games but it was bad cause I was always so tired at school. I had the biggest eyebags and it wasn't very attractive. My teachers would always pry why I always stay up late and I could never give a good excuse. I would just sound crazy if I really explained why.

Thoughts kept me up at night.

Dark, evil thoughts of my loved ones dying, of the world ending from a virus that turns everyone into the undead, of a fire that could break out any minute from the very roof above my head. Whenever I would close my eyes, I imagine ants crawling up my ear, building an ant colony that will one day consume me. It was stupid but it scared me until I would cry myself tired and eventually fall asleep.

I knew my insomnia was all my hyperactive brain's doing, being anxious at such an early age (I also blame it on my coffee addiction). I wasn't taking care of my mental health and I just let every bad thought linger in my head until the next scary movie. Safe to say, I wasn't my best self.

Now that I'm older, and a little bit wiser, I realized that to be somewhat sane and stable mentally takes A LOT of work. No, you don't just survive life unscathed by being your old self. You have to grow up emotionally and it will take its toll on you. I know this because I have been in this constant struggle of not going overboard. I talk to myself (not in a creepy way, don't worry) and I try to find as much sense in what I can make sense of. I also avoid clinging on to anger. I surprised myself today when I finally know in my heart that I have no more issues with my dad. I don't want to be angry anymore.

I am less anxious now I think, and I can finally sleep soundly (sometimes too soundly). Of course there will still be days where you just want to hit someone with a pineapple but most of the time, you'll be okay. Having a clear head, a clear heart works wonders, because sometimes, the only thing that can save you from yourself is the proper mindset.

Our Best Self
4:26 PM

Our Best Self

Feb 26, 2016

Seriously, why did I renew this domain? Might as well.

I haven't been blogging for awhile now because I've decided to just be more ~~personal~~ with my life. Now don't get me wrong, I love the internet, but ever since high school, everything about me is written on a blog somewhere. Most are dead links, some still clickable (I'm looking at you Myspace and Tumblr). There's just too much oversharing that has happened between my life and the internet and I've decided to just put a stop on it because seriously, who cares.

I'm sure no one had a life-changing moment when reading about how I transitioned into puberty as this awkward high-schooler about to enter college life in UP. I had some good times changing the background music of my blog which was always a choice between My Chemical Romance and Panic at the disco. Visitors of my old blog enjoyed hovering a cursor customized into a black and pink electric guitar that shit glitters as you hover along. And talk about that marquee feature right? So lit!

I am always thankful that I've been active online early on. If not for my online friends, I would have never ended up working for Social Media and I would never be where I am right now. It's really funny how things work out!

Eventually, being online do take its toll on you. I feel like I was too online and forgot what it was like in the real world. My brain operated on conspiracy theories from 4chan threads. It felt like everyone was talking but no one was listening. I just wanted to disconnect.

Anyway, all I'm saying is, I've been living a more private life nowadays and I am enjoying the solitude. I blame ageing. I have never felt more grown-up in my life. Gone are the days when I would livetweet how drunk I was somewhere (wait, I still do this). I feel like I'm at the peak of my maturity. Behold world as I transition into this woman!

Most days, you'll find me online on Facebook or on Twitter, quoting Kendrick or Gambino like the black person that I am. I also snapchat myself doing the groceries. Riveting stuff, I tell ya. It's been chill and I love it. I guess it's really true that when you grow up, you just learn to drift by and learn the art of "kebs."

Anyway, reviving this thing because I am in that cliche phase where I feel like I need to write more. May 2016 be more creative than 2015 (which was probably the year I slept the most).

Because The Internet
5:38 PM

Because The Internet

Jul 4, 2015

As the great Uber driver I happened to ride with going to work once said (when asked why he took Philosophy for college), "I love Philosophy because it teaches our brain to think logically."

I used to believe that emotions are the boss of me. The boss of us. We do what we feel is right, no matter the consequence, erasing away all inhibitions. Living a life thinking with our hearts and not our brain, no matter how romantic and appealing as it may sound, are reserved for the young and reckless. 

Our brain has so much potential, we have to have a system with how we think. Like all functioning body systems, we need to give our hearts a rest every once in awhile. I'm not saying everyone should stop being spontaneous or sincere, I'm just saying we should save our hearts the disappointment because most of the time, it's not worth it. 

And like with most things in life, thinking logically is easier said than done. When you're in a whirlwind of emotions, thinking logically is probably the last thing you would want to do. It's easier to just cry, give up, leave it all to fate...and I think that's okay. We are humans after all. 

So fellow human, if you are quite the emotional peach right now, don't you worry. Just take a step back and pause for a bit. Let yourself rest. Listen to some Carly Rae, do a dance break, watch Kung Fury, and eat some ice-cream. 

It may not seem like it now, but everything will make sense one day and you will get out of this rut.
All that we could do with this emotion
4:34 PM

All that we could do with this emotion

May 14, 2015

Dear Future Daughter,

Hello there! This is your mom trying to be funny (I think) at age 25 on this really hot day of May in the year 2015.

Being 25 is hard. Being 25, working full-time and trying to balance career and everything else is hard. The nights are shorter, the days go longer. Everything seems crazy and it truly is. Did I mention that being 25 is hard?

I can already imagine you and your obnoxious voice while reading this. "Mom, don't embarrass me," Don't worry, you won't need any help from me in that department. Embarrassing stories are a dime a dozen when you get to this age.

Are you reading this from a really fancy levitating tablet or your extremely thin iPhone 17c (I hope the battery life is better by this time)? Or you're probably reading this from a hologram of unearthed internet files from the golden age of Social Media. Chances are, technology has progressed and you might not even need to talk to me anymore unless you need money. Maybe virtual parents are the rage by this time or have they replaced parenthood with a mobile app?

Well I'm here to remind you to talk to your parents in the flesh. Human interaction is super duper important. It's during this time that social networks have replaced get-togethers. People only see each other when someone dies (sad, I know) or when someone gets married. You're probably wondering why this is the case. Well young lady, everyone is terribly busy. They're too busy or too tired. Life can be tiring when you're an adult. You don't have the energy anymore to do all the things all at once. Sometimes sleeping is all that you want to do on a Friday night and that is the sad truth.

I am writing this letter because during this time in my life, everyone is getting babies, and I mean everyone. Suddenly, your mom is attending Christenings or 1st birthdays. Gone are the days when people only worry about what to wear to prom. Baby pics on Facebook (or I don't know what you kids have now) are a norm now. Engagement photos, wedding cakes, all of that jazz. It's like I was gone for a bit and when I came back, everyone went to an adulthood seminar and grew up.

To be honest, your mom is scared. I like babies but I never imagined having my own. Well, not now. Funny though because your grandma was 20 when she had me (and I guess we turned out fine???). I mean, being responsible for a living, breathing, infant terrifies me beyond anything. I am so scared that I might drop you or hit you in the head and I end up getting featured on those clickbait sites (You'll Never Believe What This Mom Did To Her Baby. What You Will See Will Terrify You).

Basically, what I'm trying to say is, I hope I turn out to be a good mom. I hope I am able to inspire you (or just keep you alive and not go hungry). I hope my cooking skills are decent and that I am feeding you superb food you can be proud of. My intentions are good and I am working my ass off to provide you a better life someday. I don't ever want you to work while studying or to sell stuff to get by. I am working real hard so we can go on trips in the summer and buy you your favorite Hello Kitty bag (I assume you're a cat person because you're my kid). I want to be super duper prepared for you and I think that's where the anxiety is coming from.

I might just need more time than most moms. By the time I have you, I want my focus to be on you and no one else.

Know that I love you already and that I can't wait to buy you your first pet so we both can take care of it (it's a beagle, surprise!). Oh, and by this time, I wanted to name you Clementine but things may change.


Your Very Weird Mom (but still very cool, I hope)

A Letter to my Future Daughter
4:56 PM

A Letter to my Future Daughter

Apr 26, 2015

“Bran thought about it. 'Can a man still be brave if he's afraid?'
'That is the only time a man can be brave,' his father told him.” 
― George R.R. Martin, A Game of Thrones

I have always been afraid. I am afraid of a lot of things, some quite common such as spiders or walking in a dark alley. Some not so common like riding the elevator (you have to see me ride the elevator to know this) or fish touching my feet (that fish spa, NEVER AGAIN). 

I have always been afraid but I try not to be when other people are looking. I have always been afraid but I just say "oh whatever" and go along with it. 

Even though I hate to admit it, this so-called fear has a way of taking me to where I should be. I would not be standing where I am right now without the fear of being homeless, penniless, unsuccessful, alone, etcetera, etcetera. If my life was a video game, fear would be the power-up, the extra boost, that green arrow thing that makes you speed up in racing games, the Phoenix Down, get the picture. In a way, fear was the parental guidance I badly needed. 

It's normal to feel the need to get out of a scary situation because it's the most natural thing to do. I too am guilty of this. I ran away from most of my teenage problems and wished for a different ending. Looking back, I wish I didn't. It was a test of character and I failed. Every time I am afraid, I remember this. 

I am writing now because I need to remind myself that it's okay to be afraid. Fear is looming again, and this time, it's something that I have been putting in the back burner, the skeletons in my closet. It's the kind of fear that's so persistent that it gnaws through your very core until it's right in front of your face. My biggest fear is right in front of me. 

My biggest fear is not spiders or elevators or dying in a freak accident like in Final Destination movies, My biggest fear is that, one day I will wake up and find myself in the same situation as my mother. I am paralyzed by fear every time I think of the possibility that 10 years from now, I will be running away from everything in my life because of reasons I only know. My biggest fear is becoming someone whose actions I cannot fully understand. 

My mother is my best friend and my everything. I will fight for her no matter what. Becoming her as my biggest fear doesn't change that. I may not understand her but I've accepted her. I don't hold grudges but I am more careful. It's like walking on glass I tell you. I am more guarded, more passionate, more willing than anyone to change the things that resemble the pattern. I am mature enough to know that I will do better. Whatever I've seen, whatever I've felt, it's all in the pursuit of becoming a better person. When it's my turn to become a mother, I know what to do and what not to do and that comforts me, somehow. 

Still, I am afraid. There's only so much I can do. 

Right this moment, the fear is in this room. It's out and about and it's ready to come out. I have never been more afraid in my entire life. 
On Fear
9:04 PM

On Fear

Mar 5, 2015

I took up Creative Writing in college which then became Philippine Studies. Both courses aimed at being undesirable to employers. I wasn't smart enough to get a degree in Business Administration or any of those "useful" courses but I was thankful enough to be in a decent university with very affordable tuition. I spent years writing poems, short stories, plays, essays about the Philippines, its people, and everything in between. It was great but it did not promise me a career of sorts.

I loved writing prose but everything I wrote was so sad and so bad because I was super depressed. The stuff I wrote mirrored the things going on at home, with my mom leaving us then coming back then leaving us again while my dad squandered around town, womanizing, jobless and in debt. Eventually, I stopped writing.

I focused my energy on getting part-time jobs with what life skill I had acquired at that day and age. I was 17 when I started working for a Korean tutorial center for some extra cash for school. I would go all the way to Ortigas from Diliman so I could meet my Korean students and teach them some conversational English for 2-3 hours everyday from Monday-Friday. The job was easy but the money was not enough so I applied for a call center job. I could only part-time since I was still studying and most call centers in QC don't offer part time. I ended up applying for Telus in Market Market. I took orders for Domino's Pizza in the states. For one year, I had to wake up at 4am, ride the MRT to Taguig before 6am, clock in at 7am, talk to angry Americans following up on their pizza, clock out at 11am, travel to Diliman before 1pm, try to eat decent lunch while all of this is happening, go to class until 5:30pm, then go home to do homework before collapsing in my bed.

Call center life was not easy. I tried to last because the money was good but my body gave up so I resigned and just resorted to an online writing job via Craigslist. I wrote a gazillion SEO articles on topics such as: How To Grow Tomatoes in a Greenhouse, How To Grow Tomatoes in a Pot, How to Start A Toy Train Collection, How To Avoid Ovarian Cancer with Natural Remedies, etc. I got paid in cents for each word I wrote which was not even enough to pay for my college expenses. Soon, I accepted some writing jobs from students who were too lazy to write their thesis. It was easy money so I obliged. After four years and a couple of odd jobs later, I finally graduated college. Whew. I am so glad that part of my life is over.

I graduated October of 2010. I took my first job at MEGA as a PR Assistant then moved to agency life for 2 years. Now, I'm about to celebrate my 2nd year anniversary with PLDT. It's currently my 5th year of working and it never fails to amaze me how much I grew up since I took that first job 8 years ago.

Whenever things get too stressful at work or in life, I just need to stop and take a breather to remind myself that everything will work out, eventually. I mean, I never would've imagined a career, or even getting hired in the first place. Happy anniversary, adulthood! You funny funny thing!

Happy 5th Anniversary, Adulthood!
6:38 PM

Happy 5th Anniversary, Adulthood!

Feb 20, 2015

When I was younger, I always imagined this alternate universe where everyone is wearing a white, porcelain mask. I know it sounds corny but the way I see it, in this particular world, the only way for the mask to come off is to find someone you connect with, someone you truly love. You know you are truly in love when you are able to face the one you love without a mask, devoid of inhibitions, pretentions - 100% all you.

Love is the weirdest, isn't it? It's somewhat addictive, beautiful and soul-crushing at the same time. Countless people have tried to define it to better understand it yet no one can truly capture how it really feels to be inside the mess of it all.

Love is the most wonderful and excruciating thing a person can feel in his/her lifetime.

It comes in all shapes and sizes. I love how it can be found in the weirdest of people, the oddest of pairings, the most unexpected of events, the most inane of experiences, the most complicated of age brackets, the farthest of places, and in the craziest of crazies. You're like "I'm happy to be single for now" and then BAM! You fall in love (UGH RIGHT???).

I do fear people ruin the very idea of love with its inhumane standards and unnecessary drama. People forget that love is a feeling between two people in a relationship, and like all relationships, there should be respect for the other individual. People often insist their idea of love based on what they watched, read, listened to, talked about and compare it to love in real life. Somehow, something that started as a genuine feeling ends up as this fabricated, commercialized idea fit for Instagram.

However, I don't give up on people really finding their groove and eventually (at the end of one horrific journey filled with dark periods recovering from heartaches) finding that one person. Someone who fits perfectly like pajamas on Christmas eve. Someone who makes you feel that feeling you get when you eat a really good chocolate bar. Someone who knows what ear to scratch when you feel uneasy. Someone who, at the back of your head, will hate-watch a really bad Adam Sandler movie and enjoy it with you wholeheartedly.

Love is weird and so are we. At the end of the day, you just have to find that one weirdo you can see spending the rest of your days with, without a mask, without a doubt.
Love is Weird, And So Are We
1:10 AM

Love is Weird, And So Are We

Jan 2, 2015

For the first time in a long time, I didn't go out on new year's eve. Instead, I slept through all the ruckus, cuddling my cat Whiskey and my adopted dog Naldog (while Nan is away). If this is a sign of what my 2015 will be, then I welcome it with open arms.

I actually am very surprised I got this far given my complete lack of guidance and grace when it comes to living, but I did! Hooray! I actually hope I live up to a hundred and live in a farm with goats and carabaos. I'll read all the books I want and watch all the movies in my hard drive while I wait for someone to finally invent a time machine.

But before all that, I'm excited to face my 25th year with newfound abilities in life thanks to all the amazing things I've experienced so far. I want to share it with you in bullet points and hope you all get a little something to help you with the year ahead. If not then just ignore this and go to which is a far more superior website than this blog.

1. It doesn't hurt to stay positive.

I know 2014 might not have been the best year for some (me included) but you would never catch me wallowing in a corner, throwing my hands up in defeat. If there's one thing that got me through the toughest times in my life, it would have to be optimism. Doing the opposite will do you no good, trust me. After a shitty day filled with disappointments and emotional fatigue, I would just stop, reflect and try to see the good side in everything. Which brings me to my next point...

2. Don't waste energy on things you can't control.

Given all the trials we've faced and are about to face, it's mighty fine to choose your battles. I'm not saying you should give up once hardship is abound. I'm just saying, don't waste your life on these things because they're out of your control for a damn good reason. Just give everything your one hundred percent and if it still doesn't work, then just let go and let it be. It's a good way to strike balance in your day to day life.

3. Be the bigger person.

This one is really the hardest for me to learn (and still learning at the moment) because it is so easy to just pick a fight with someone and get it over with...but don't. It's better to be a good person than to brag about how many people you've punched in the face. Just think about Batman and Superman and the goodness of their hearts given all the bad guys they face on a daily basis. Be the hero in this challenging times.

4. Pay attention to the tiniest of details.

I'm very guilty of winging everything to finish things in the least amount of time possible which is a really bad way to live. Never rush, never resort to aggression. Take your time and plan ahead so you don't end up missing the tiniest of details which is actually better than the big picture.

5. Stop consuming garbage.

Avoid gossip and read books instead. There's really nothing to gain from reading the timeline of some person you hate-stalk. You are just wasting precious time. Feed your brain instead with books and movies worth your time.

6. Take care of yourself.

Drink vitamins, work out, don't abuse your body. You don't wanna die young and miss the best years of your life. Our metabolism is not the same so we have to work extra hard to lose those pounds after a night of pigging out. We don't want to be fat and sickly when we get older because we won't end up enjoying the years ahead.

7. And finally, be comfortable with who you are.

People always say I'm not the least bit shy when it comes to making friends and getting to know people. Why should I? It is a far better experience to make friends than to stay in a little bubble of insecurities. It's truly amazing to get to know people and their wonderful life stories. The waiters, the guards, that old lady selling in the street corner, talk to them and give them a big smile. Ask people about their day, their favorite food, etc. Who knows, that person might just be your new best friend! The only way to not be shy is to be comfortable with who you are, imperfections and all. We all have insecurities anyway so might as well get things over with. Go ahead, talk and laugh with a stranger today!

Have a great year ahead, people!
Of Laughing With Strangers
4:55 PM

Of Laughing With Strangers