On Starting Over (Sort Of)

9:15 PM

The last time I wrote here, I was telling you all about this fantastic opportunity for me in this big Telco company and how I was so giddy and excited for the rest of my life. 3 months later did I only find time to write about it. I actually pushed myself to start writing here because I needed something to keep me sane. This is an attempt of sorts.

Well first, my domain expired and someone took a hold of it so now I'm back to being tinrementilla.blogspot - which sucks because everything linking to my blog malfunctioned and my disqus went crazy so now I'm using a new comment box and all the comments from my blog posts disappeared. Oh well, can't let a comment box bring me down! (but it did bring me down so lol)

Also, work is really really hard. I'm not going to go into details but I feel like I should've gone to med school or something. There's really something about Marketing that's so indefinite (for lack of a better term).

To tell you the truth, I have not seen my friends in a long time. I work on weekends and I usually end up sleeping until Monday. There's also this being a full time mom to my brothers thing which usually takes up most of my free time (and I do not regret it one bit because I love my brothers to bits). And when I do have extra time, I go home to the province to visit my sick grandma whose Alzheimer's is getting really bad.

Life really isn't easy these days. I always tell myself that there's really nothing in this life that I can't handle and I should be able to survive everything. Of course, there will be days where life really gets to me and I end up just sort of giving up (but then I realize that I really can't give up because people are depending on me).

People are always asking me why I'm such in a hurry to grow up. Well first, it's not like I have a choice. If I had the choice, I would rather be this interesting person who travels (thanks to mommy and daddy's money) to Timbuktu (or somewhere obscure) and ends up being friends with people all over the world.

But I do not have that luxury. I have been worrying about where to get money since I was 12. I would work part time jobs during college just to have extra money for things we couldn't afford.

I never stopped working. I was too afraid to rest or pause my life. I got addicted to getting promoted or to getting a higher salary. I was afraid that if I even thought about resting that everything would crash and the promotion will be given to the person who didn't sleep. I got addicted to the idea of getting the ideal life that I've always wanted and I thought that if I continued to work, I would eventually get there. In a sick, twisted way, I can't stop working because I wanted to be 40 and get the comfortable life of a Marketing Executive. I can't wait to not be 23 anymore so I can be 40 and finally get to rest.

So why am I writing here again? I don't really know. I sort of want a redo of my life and I hope this post is the kickoff. I guess I want to remind myself that I am 23 and that I deserve a break every now and then --- and that I should stop worrying about the rest of my life. I deserve to watch movies and read books and play video games when there's time to spare.

So there. Let's start over, self.

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