Jul 30, 2014

“Baby, I have no idea how this will end.
Maybe the equator will fall like a hula hoop from the Earth’s hips
And our mouths will freeze mid-kiss on our 80th anniversary.
Or maybe tomorrow my absolute insanity
Combined with the absolute obstacle course of your communication skills
Will leave us like a love letter
In a landfill.
But whatever
Whenever this ends I want you to know
That right now
I love you forever.
—  Andrea Gibson, “How It Ends”

I may have a problem with how things have a finality of sorts. Knowing me (and I know me), deadlines are not my strongest suit.

Similar to when a really good video game ends and there's nothing to do but to relive the best parts. Like with most things, I would write a sequel in my head, hoping it could turn into something I could hold on to.

I live each day thinking it could go on and on and on. I don't say goodbyes, I say later. I sometimes think my head can't comprehend if and when someone leaves for good. I put them in a little box I labeled "for another lifetime."

If I could extend the hours of each day, I would. I don't ever want to imagine a day in time when everything would be a far cry from what I came to know and love. It gives me panic attacks every time the thought would cross my mind.

I guess I could blame whatever bizarre childhood I had for this unrealistic approach in life, but I won't. I think this is just me not accepting how things are supposed to be - harsh, real, finite.

I put this into writing because, again, I want to somehow want it to make sense. In my head, everything's all jumbled up; my thoughts floating and clashing.

For Another Lifetime
1:29 AM

For Another Lifetime

Jul 20, 2014

I was within and without, simultaneously enchanted and repelled by the inexhaustible variety of life.
—  F. Scott Fitzgerald, The Great Gatsby

I have never been the silent type. I would blab away about the most inane things such as the color of the sky, how good my sandwich was, how the leaves formed a dinosaur in the dark, and other mundane things I find interesting enough.

I was never afraid to talk to people. Being shy was a trait I was never associated with. The stage was my friend and a sea of people comforted me. I liked the crazy and the chaos. It made me feel alive. The world even had a name for me, they call it ENFP. A personality type that's supposed to help me explain my actions. It's actually quite funny.

My head was always filled with thoughts which somehow became noise. I found comfort in being with other people because their voices always seemed to drown out everything that was happening in my head. I never let myself be alone. I figured that this was my natural habitat.

I have to admit, it was very tiring, not being able to function without the company of others. I tried, I really did, but I wasn't happy. I wanted to be in a group of friends and reach out to anyone within radius because I was honestly afraid to go through life alone.

This continued for awhile until that fateful day when I realized that I was a completely different person. I was so preoccupied in being with people that I somehow lost myself in the process. Don't get me wrong, this is not some existential bullshit about woe is me and other cautionary tales. This was an honest to goodness life check. My idea of who I was did not fit my actions. I was too lost in a sea of personalities and individuals that I managed to mix up everything and turned myself into a combination of the different people in my life.

I did not mean for it to happen (or so I like to think). I guess I was so distracted and afraid of being alone with my thoughts and myself that I morphed into something I didn't realize was me. And unfortunately, that's what people saw of me, and sadly, it wasn't good.

And now I'm here. I'm writing to make sense from all of this. I have been thinking about this for the past few weeks and I must say it's refreshing to be alone with my thoughts. I've realized that I don't have to be with people all the time or tailor fit my personality to anyone I meet. I don't even have to go out on a daily basis. Now, honestly, I just want to be with one very special guy.

They say extroverts can't survive without feeding from the energy of the people around them. They say that extroverts can't be left alone or else we'll go crazy. Well, I won't let that title mandate what I have to do. I want to be myself. I am not a 4 letter personality type from a psych test. I know there's more to me than that.

Honestly, the silence is quite comforting.

Constant Conversations: Confessions of an ENFP
8:04 PM

Constant Conversations: Confessions of an ENFP