Jul 6, 2016

As a kid, I always liked talking in front of the camera. I would play with my uncle's video cam and record myself interviewing the animals around the house, my baby cousins chilling in their cribs, and my stuffed toys. We would talk about (well, it's mostly me throwing my voice to fake a dialogue) what then were the pressing matters of the nineties which I remember was mostly the destruction of the ozone layer (thanks Captain Planet!).

During that time, I also drew NO SMOKING posters and plastered it around the house for my grandfather and mother to see. I would creatively enumerate the ways you can die from smoking, in my hopes of convincing both of them to quit, especially my grandpa (whom I fondly called "lolo daddy") because I feared losing him. Lolo daddy eventually died a few years later of an asthma attack, a death that I didn't take very well. Me eventually picking up the habit seemed pretty ironic.

My mom feared for my "rebellious" side, telling me that studying in UP did not do me any good. "Huwag ka mag-aktibista anak, please. Baka mapano ka" she'd say, reminding me of what happened to the activists during Martial Law. This of course just added fuel to the fire so I ended up joining Sinagbayan as an actress for a musical play, fighting against the tuition increase in our university.

Before graduating, I knew what I wanted to do: I wanted to become a journalist. I wasn't that good at grammar or with words, but I do know that I'm quite good at talking to people. I love listening to other people's stories --- and I know this sounds really corny --- but I loved how I could connect with them in a very spiritual way through their life experiences. I wanted to be the medium for other people's causes to be heard and somehow help the world become better with each story. Looking back, I was one idealistic, young person.

I don't know what happened but, somewhere along the time of being a working student and graduating, I shifted priorities. I forgot about how I wanted to "change the world". I faced adulthood and became a proper tax-paying human. The vengeful spirit in me took a backseat for a peace-loving millennial to be in the forefront.

Over the last few months and with the alarming rate of terrible news all over the world, I can't help but go back to the kind of person I was in college. The idealist in me wants to do something, but again, who has the time with bills to pay here and there. Pursuing a passion project takes a lot. I have so many excuses, I could go on and on.

I then succumbed to airing out my grievances on social media like most people my age who are very unhappy with what's happening in the Philippines, and the brutalities happening all over the world. I mean, the world is kinda going crazy, might as well tweet the revolution, right?

Most days, you'll find me tweeting Sandro Marcos and his privileged ass (excuse the language, can't help it) on Twitter because that's the only outlet I have right now for my aktibista woes (as my mother likes to put it). I would like to think that there is a next step to all this bottled up energy in me to do something. Until then, Sandro Marcos will have to do.

The Revolution Will Be Tweeted
6:00 PM

The Revolution Will Be Tweeted

Jun 19, 2016

I have had trouble sleeping at night for as long as I could remember. I tried to beat insomnia by building a habit of drinking milk before sleeping but it never worked.

Staying up late was good for playing video games but it was bad cause I was always so tired at school. I had the biggest eyebags and it wasn't very attractive. My teachers would always pry why I always stay up late and I could never give a good excuse. I would just sound crazy if I really explained why.

Thoughts kept me up at night.

Dark, evil thoughts of my loved ones dying, of the world ending from a virus that turns everyone into the undead, of a fire that could break out any minute from the very roof above my head. Whenever I would close my eyes, I imagine ants crawling up my ear, building an ant colony that will one day consume me. It was stupid but it scared me until I would cry myself tired and eventually fall asleep.

I knew my insomnia was all my hyperactive brain's doing, being anxious at such an early age (I also blame it on my coffee addiction). I wasn't taking care of my mental health and I just let every bad thought linger in my head until the next scary movie. Safe to say, I wasn't my best self.

Now that I'm older, and a little bit wiser, I realized that to be somewhat sane and stable mentally takes A LOT of work. No, you don't just survive life unscathed by being your old self. You have to grow up emotionally and it will take its toll on you. I know this because I have been in this constant struggle of not going overboard. I talk to myself (not in a creepy way, don't worry) and I try to find as much sense in what I can make sense of. I also avoid clinging on to anger. I surprised myself today when I finally know in my heart that I have no more issues with my dad. I don't want to be angry anymore.

I am less anxious now I think, and I can finally sleep soundly (sometimes too soundly). Of course there will still be days where you just want to hit someone with a pineapple but most of the time, you'll be okay. Having a clear head, a clear heart works wonders, because sometimes, the only thing that can save you from yourself is the proper mindset.

Our Best Self
4:26 PM

Our Best Self

Feb 26, 2016

Seriously, why did I renew this domain? Might as well.

I haven't been blogging for awhile now because I've decided to just be more ~~personal~~ with my life. Now don't get me wrong, I love the internet, but ever since high school, everything about me is written on a blog somewhere. Most are dead links, some still clickable (I'm looking at you Myspace and Tumblr). There's just too much oversharing that has happened between my life and the internet and I've decided to just put a stop on it because seriously, who cares.

I'm sure no one had a life-changing moment when reading about how I transitioned into puberty as this awkward high-schooler about to enter college life in UP. I had some good times changing the background music of my blog which was always a choice between My Chemical Romance and Panic at the disco. Visitors of my old blog enjoyed hovering a cursor customized into a black and pink electric guitar that shit glitters as you hover along. And talk about that marquee feature right? So lit!

I am always thankful that I've been active online early on. If not for my online friends, I would have never ended up working for Social Media and I would never be where I am right now. It's really funny how things work out!

Eventually, being online do take its toll on you. I feel like I was too online and forgot what it was like in the real world. My brain operated on conspiracy theories from 4chan threads. It felt like everyone was talking but no one was listening. I just wanted to disconnect.

Anyway, all I'm saying is, I've been living a more private life nowadays and I am enjoying the solitude. I blame ageing. I have never felt more grown-up in my life. Gone are the days when I would livetweet how drunk I was somewhere (wait, I still do this). I feel like I'm at the peak of my maturity. Behold world as I transition into this woman!

Most days, you'll find me online on Facebook or on Twitter, quoting Kendrick or Gambino like the black person that I am. I also snapchat myself doing the groceries. Riveting stuff, I tell ya. It's been chill and I love it. I guess it's really true that when you grow up, you just learn to drift by and learn the art of "kebs."

Anyway, reviving this thing because I am in that cliche phase where I feel like I need to write more. May 2016 be more creative than 2015 (which was probably the year I slept the most).

Because The Internet
5:38 PM

Because The Internet